6th year with DBSK and Kim JaeJoong

26 DECEMBER 2012.

Today, 6 years ago in 2006, Katherine the Great blared out RISING SUN in her car as we cruised Canberra. I fell so far in love with that song and it was so unexpected because I was so deeply Japanese biased at that point.

Then, she showed me her TOMORROW777 photobook and I knew I was going to be in love with that kid in the middle with the long, lucious black hair for a very long time.

I am still here and I doubt I could ever leave.

I love you Kim JaeJoong. You've added so much depth to my life, given me so many lessons (many of which I wish I didn't have to learn), and all I wish now is that you find happiness. <3

And now to er....celebrate my 6 years with JaeJoong in 'style'. (Oh we're all full of classy over here. XD)


Thoughts on love

 Today I'm going to be a good student and avoid a lot of Internet places so I can actually do my uni work.

However I had a thought and I wanted to jot it down to let it out of my system. As always, it's just me thinking about love. The following is just my personal spirituality so leave the wtfery and cynicism at the door. =P

Okay so... I know finding the person you're meant to be with (otherwise known as "The One" or "The Soul Mate" or "The person who just happens to connect with you and everything is all good even if they're not necessarily The One") often just happens by chance. You just happen to be in the right place at the right time. When you look for love you won't find it; it comes to you when you least expect it. All that jazz. 

It sure happened to my grandparents. What a remarkable story that is. 

But you know, as much of a relief it can be sometimes to know that things are often set in motion and you just have to let yourself be the player on the board game and wait until the dice rolls the right number for you to move forward and land on your own unique square, it is still pretty damn lonely in the meantime. Clearly the dice hasn't been rolling the right number for me yet to progress to that golden square I am dying to reach on the board, and instead the dice is taking me on detours and dark places... And that path is lonely. Even if I know that all the hard work and stress and suffering will be worth it to reach that golden square, it's hard to look forward to when you're playing the game by yourself for the moment. Or at least, playing the game with your friends around but your friends are moving to their golden squares much quicker than you. Their dice isn't necessarily favouring them, it is just pulling them through the own path they have to go on in life. They just happen to bypass loneliness quicker than me. I'm sure there are good squares that I am landing on which they envy me for as well. it's just the luck of the dice in the game of fate.

Not to be unappreciative or anything, by Mr Dice, can you please roll a better number for me so I can find a decent person to love who loves me back?

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JJ Squeal

Heaven's Postman. <3

 Fangirl flailllll. Heaven's Postman~ <3333

Finally watched Heaven's Postman. Well, most of it -- the last clip was unavailable so I had to guess what the hell JaeJun and Hana were saying to each other when they met again at the end. Was tempted to have JaeJun saying: "I'm sorry but since I thought you were a dream when I was given my body back I met this guy in the meantime called Yunho...." LOL!!! But nah, I do love the JaeJun character liking Hana in the movie. They are gorgeous together. That being said, I think a JaeJOONG angel meeting a Yunho would be just as fabulous. XD

But I'm getting sidetracked by YJ. As always. XD

I don't know why I waited this long until I saw Heaven's Postman when I knew it was gonna be one of my fav emotional movies. A lot of the themes in it are the themes I adore thinking about so much in real life (just look at my latest fic) so I really should have gotten my butt into gear and watched the movie sooner than I did. I had even watched friggen HARU before HP. Fail Jae fan. ><

Besides, I lovvvved Jae's look in that era (and indeed I used to thank HP for making him have to stay with that hair colour and style for months during filming and not change to something ghastly for DBSK activities), so I REALLY have no excuse for putting it off until now. If anything, it made the movie even creepier coz of the DBSK song at the end. When I heard Yunho and Changmin's voice singing with JYJ it was like hearing the words of a ghost... (Ironic considering JaeJoong's character in the movie. XD) It was like HoMin hijacked a "Back to the Future" car and travelled back to the past to sing for the HP OST from the lawsuit era (ie. now) so that they'd still be able to support Jae when the movie was released/watched by Fiona. hahaha my strange imagination... But I really didn't realise HoMin were on the OST, I thought it was just Jae singing. So yeh, shock... T_T



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Crying Effy

Why I still mourn over DBSK....

"I wish I could bubble wrap my heart.  In case I fall and break apart."

Why I still mourn over DBSK.

God knows I've had a very bumpy couple of weeks (what with my gran's dog dying and then my grandfather), so my emotions are naturally flying all over the place. But being away a lot from the internet gave me time to reflect on things. Namely my fandom and how dangerous it always was for me to love DBSK so much.

I'm not a masochist. When I willingly gave up my whole heart to stay loyal to DBSK when my friends switched to loving SuJu and BB etc, I did not do so for the thrill of emotional danger. I did not sign up to be a DBSK fan thinking my heart would get broken over and over again. If all this shit happened to other bands I liked, I'd just walk away feeling a little bruised, but with DBSK I can't even fathom walking away. I admit, there was a time last week when I was really down and I kept thinking: "I wish I knew how to quit loving you." And "it would be so much easier if I just walked away from you for good." 

But God knows I can't. It's the price you have to pay for loyalty... T_T

I know time heals but.... it's so slow. I guess that really does show how much DBSK were able to worm themselves into my heart. I think the grieving process I have been going through is equivalent to that of a friend's death. Which sound stupid and nutty and obsessive, but it's the truth and if anyone who isn't a DBSK fan thinks I'm stupid for that, I really don't give a shit because they are outsiders to this.

Back to the grieving process. Yes. It's long for me. Incredibly long. It's been a year and a half and still I cry for them. At first it was non stop crying, even though I was proud of JaeSuChun for sticking up for what they believe in. The scar that last year's X-Mas Eve left on my heart is still there and I can still remember the severity of my pain to not even want to celebrate that holiday season. I know people go through that same feeling when a beloved family member dies and they don't feel up to celebrating things like that... I guess I went through it for DBSK. I didn't want to have to pretend to be happy and smile in public when inside I felt like utter shit.

In this year of 2010 I've cried less, but still occasionally bawl. Time heals, but it never heals fast for a deep loss. Now, a year and a half after things turned to shit for DBSK, I still cry. The pain is still just as fresh. Although I have "moved on" in a way and tried living my life differently, adapting to living life without them, their loss is still at the back of my mind and I doubt it will ever leave until a few more years.

I was reading a non-AU DBSK fanfic recently. Then when I finished reading it my heart hurt so bad and I realised why. It's no longer a non-AU coz of the "real life band setting" theme, but a real alternate universe like the other stories because DBSK will never be like that ever again. Times have moved on and they aren't going to live together anymore. Even if they did get back together in many years time, they are going to be so much older with different thoughts--their boyhood spent living together is officially over. Somehow, in my head I lived with them in their dorms when I was a fan obsessing over every little picture and clip. It feels like all my best friends moved out and left me alone to live in this place where there is silence, no more laughter and talking; a place where memories linger in every room but I can't touch them or recreate them. I think that means that a piece of my heart will always be stuck in that period of time and it's too late to go and retrieve it. I lost. It's stuck there forever and without it my strength grows a little weaker because I'm a little less whole. They were my goddamn happiness and stability whenever my life was utter shit. Everyone needs something that they can turn to to make them happy when they are vulnerable, but after DBSK left, I still haven't found a replacement. 


The other day my aunt wrote something as her facebook status and I immediately teared up reading it. My aunt has been going through a really shit time in her life and so she wrote:

"No matter what gets me down, it's my music that is always there to comfort me. 
No matter what is worrying me, music is always there as my 'best friend' ".

I stared at that and bawled. Because I used to have that and now I have nothing. I wish I was that lucky to have that, but my "best friend" left me and I have no other choice but to grieve.


The same goes for YunJae. Reading that fanfic reminded me that I'll never have Yunjae again. Not in the same way I had them before. Of course I believe they are still a couple, but......it's not the same anymore. There are still the usual fan whispers that get spread about YunJae being seen here and there, but there are no longer times where I can look for myself and see the signs of their love when they are together. And i know that is how it should be!! They are a couple and it's private and fans should leave them be to love each other in private. For sure. But the problem is....we were spoilt. We grew up with them, ya know? We watched on from the side lines as they slowly fell in love and then became a couple and we cheered them on every step of the way. But now they aren't able to work together and spend a lot of time in front of cameras together. It feels like us YunJae fans are locked out of the house after finally getting settled. And like I said, it SHOULD be that way--YunJae should be able to love in private. It's just really painful because they used to be my source of hope and love and romance and I feel like I've lost them too now. I'll always be a strong YunJae fan, but that doesn't mean that these new circumstances hurt... I'm struggling to accept that even my beloved YunJae can never be the same for us. T_T

But yes, I think I just needed to let that out. I needed to convince myself that it's okay to still be mourning for TVXQ. It's okay to cry when I see Yunho these days because I miss him so much. So damn much. Our quirky Leader-sshi... It's okay to move on in my life but still mourn the loss when days are quiet. I'm not stupid for loving strangers so much that I've been hit with a long and painful grieving process that almost rivals the death of a friend. I'm just human. I have strong emotions and I give love out very easily. I gave DBSK my love and everything ended so of course my heart is going to hurt still. They weren't just a band with good voices--they were my friends, my stability, my happiness, my hope, my pride. Having that taken away from you is painful. I'll try not to stress myself out now because I feel stupid for still bawling my eyes out over them every few weeks....

egardless of WHY I am experiencing this (even if it seems stupid to non-DBSK fans), the fact of the matter is that I AM experiencing a heavy grieving period for DBSK and that is no joke. I made the same bond with them as I did with "real life" people, therefore the pain of losing them is just as real to me

And the thing is, it is only painful because I can't see the five of them together. I am fine with seeing JYJ or HoMin, but it just hurts so effing much that I can't see Changmin supporting Yoochun by vising a drama set, or JaeJoong supporting Yunho by going to the Goong musical... If I saw the five boys interacting with each other in some way I would still have a sense of that "oneness" but since the lawsuit is still tricky we get nothing. I just want to be able to see Yunho with Jae or Su or Chun. I wanna see that friendship again. See the teasing between them that we all know and love. I know the friendship is still there, but knowing something and seeing it are different, ya know? It would feel like old times again if they were able to support each other in public and hang out together. And I would find that adapting to a new life without DBSK wouldn't be so hard. I wouldn't feel as lonely. I wouldn't feel like there was something missing... T_T

All I can do is just.....pray that my guardian angels will take care of me. I need borrowed strength to get through these dark days. I can't do it by myself. Please don't give up on me, guardian angels. Just...please help me get through this. <3

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McFly Super Site...

 Kyaaaaaaa, I love the British band McFly so much!! <3

They have this really awesome idea called the McFly Super Site. It's their new site which is pretty much a way to have full-on awesome interaction with fans. So far they've been having live webcam videos on the site and it's just amazing! So far today they've been having non-stop webcam on the site of them filming footage for their new video clip. It's live and full on non-edited. We get evvverything. And it is so fascinating seeing the process of how they get their hair done and just how many times they have to film one scene for the music vid.

In their downtime they often sit and read out tweets on their phones. And holy crap, tonight (their lunch time XD) the bass player Dougie read my tweet out. Major shock. The best part is, they upload the webcam recording after it's finished onto the site, and since it is in flv format I was able to download it onto my PC and keep it forever! Dougie calling out my snark with that gorgeous British accent of his..... Dream come true! T___T <3

^ This is my screen of Dougie reading out my tweet (which I superimposed onto the image). Danny even let out a chuckle. Hell yesss! ^____^


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....BAHAHAHAH!! As I am typing this their live webcam is still going on as they muck around waiting for the video shoot to continue. And I hear all this sudden loud laughter and "something interesting for the webcam!" And I click back onto the webcam screen and I see Harry hoisted Dougie over his shoulder and Dougie was flailing around. LMAO!! These boys are so nutty and I love them so much. =D

KYAAAAAAA their new single is going to be AMAZING!!! I'm hearing the song for the first time as they are filming the video clip on live webcam. Such a beautiful song. I want a rip on my ipod right at this second. T_T <33333


There are STILL letting us see them filming the new video clip live on the webcam. Wicked awesome. Check it out RIGHT NOW if you are bored:
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Another meme -- MUSIC!


Stolen (again) from 1stepcl0ser 

List your 10 favorite groups:

2. Big Bang
4. Kylie Minogue (she's not in a 'group' but she's gonna be my one exception. ^_~)
5. Pink (I lie, she is my second exception, coz it’s PINK!)
6. McFly
7. L'Arc~en~Ciel
8. Gackt (technically he is part of GacktJOB, so it's a group. ^_~)
9. Fleetwood Mac
10. Savage Garden

[Not in a special order!]

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Two spotlights ^^

For obvious reasons, I don't yet have the 3HREE VOICES DVDs. I'm so relieved that I preordered them weeks ago. 

But even though I want to avoid looking too closely at the screencaps fans are uploading so I can save some of the mystery for when I watch it myself, I'm still a curious person who is easily fascinated.

Knowing me, I might do this properly when I have the DVDs myself, but I'm already so fascinated by the different views. Fans lens VS staff lens. ^^

So I looked at some Su screens and matched them with the fans' view to get a more panoramic view of it all. XD

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YunJae vid~ <3

Whoo hoo, I finally found time to get off my butt and make a YunJae vid in homage to them~~ >D

I normally avoid making them because the program I use drives me nuts and always crashes, but I needed something to do with my hands whilst the Tokyo Dome concerts were going on so I wouldn't go insane wishing to be there, and wouldn't get depressed feeling sorry for HoMin since they couldn't participate either. The result is this entry...

So here is the vid if you are curious. ^^

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Queer As YunJae



Ahh. So I was having one of those massive urges to rewatch my fav Queer as Folk episodes, and not surprisingly, I was reminded of YunJae. In particular this infamous, beautiful scene:



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