"I wish I could bubble wrap my heart. In case I fall and break apart."
Why I still mourn over DBSK.
God knows I've had a very bumpy couple of weeks (what with my gran's dog dying and then my grandfather), so my emotions are naturally flying all over the place. But being away a lot from the internet gave me time to reflect on things. Namely my fandom and how dangerous it always was for me to love DBSK so much.
I'm not a masochist. When I willingly gave up my whole heart to stay loyal to DBSK when my friends switched to loving SuJu and BB etc, I did not do so for the thrill of emotional danger. I did not sign up to be a DBSK fan thinking my heart would get broken over and over again. If all this shit happened to other bands I liked, I'd just walk away feeling a little bruised, but with DBSK I can't even fathom walking away. I admit, there was a time last week when I was really down and I kept thinking: "I wish I knew how to quit loving you." And "it would be so much easier if I just walked away from you for good."
But God knows I can't. It's the price you have to pay for loyalty... T_T
I know time heals but.... it's so slow. I guess that really does show how much DBSK were able to worm themselves into my heart. I think the grieving process I have been going through is equivalent to that of a friend's death. Which sound stupid and nutty and obsessive, but it's the truth and if anyone who isn't a DBSK fan thinks I'm stupid for that, I really don't give a shit because they are outsiders to this.
Back to the grieving process. Yes. It's long for me. Incredibly long. It's been a year and a half and still I cry for them. At first it was non stop crying, even though I was proud of JaeSuChun for sticking up for what they believe in. The scar that last year's X-Mas Eve left on my heart is still there and I can still remember the severity of my pain to not even want to celebrate that holiday season. I know people go through that same feeling when a beloved family member dies and they don't feel up to celebrating things like that... I guess I went through it for DBSK. I didn't want to have to pretend to be happy and smile in public when inside I felt like utter shit.
In this year of 2010 I've cried less, but still occasionally bawl. Time heals, but it never heals fast for a deep loss. Now, a year and a half after things turned to shit for DBSK, I still cry. The pain is still just as fresh. Although I have "moved on" in a way and tried living my life differently, adapting to living life without them, their loss is still at the back of my mind and I doubt it will ever leave until a few more years.
I was reading a non-AU DBSK fanfic recently. Then when I finished reading it my heart hurt so bad and I realised why. It's no longer a non-AU coz of the "real life band setting" theme, but a real alternate universe like the other stories because DBSK will never be like that ever again. Times have moved on and they aren't going to live together anymore. Even if they did get back together in many years time, they are going to be so much older with different thoughts--their boyhood spent living together is officially over. Somehow, in my head I lived with them in their dorms when I was a fan obsessing over every little picture and clip. It feels like all my best friends moved out and left me alone to live in this place where there is silence, no more laughter and talking; a place where memories linger in every room but I can't touch them or recreate them. I think that means that a piece of my heart will always be stuck in that period of time and it's too late to go and retrieve it. I lost. It's stuck there forever and without it my strength grows a little weaker because I'm a little less whole. They were my goddamn happiness and stability whenever my life was utter shit. Everyone needs something that they can turn to to make them happy when they are vulnerable, but after DBSK left, I still haven't found a replacement.
The other day my aunt wrote something as her facebook status and I immediately teared up reading it. My aunt has been going through a really shit time in her life and so she wrote:
"No matter what gets me down, it's my music that is always there to comfort me.
No matter what is worrying me, music is always there as my 'best friend' ".
I stared at that and bawled. Because I used to have that and now I have nothing. I wish I was that lucky to have that, but my "best friend" left me and I have no other choice but to grieve.
The same goes for YunJae. Reading that fanfic reminded me that I'll never have Yunjae again. Not in the same way I had them before. Of course I believe they are still a couple, but......it's not the same anymore. There are still the usual fan whispers that get spread about YunJae being seen here and there, but there are no longer times where I can look for myself and see the signs of their love when they are together. And i know that is how it should be!! They are a couple and it's private and fans should leave them be to love each other in private. For sure. But the problem is....we were spoilt. We grew up with them, ya know? We watched on from the side lines as they slowly fell in love and then became a couple and we cheered them on every step of the way. But now they aren't able to work together and spend a lot of time in front of cameras together. It feels like us YunJae fans are locked out of the house after finally getting settled. And like I said, it SHOULD be that way--YunJae should be able to love in private. It's just really painful because they used to be my source of hope and love and romance and I feel like I've lost them too now. I'll always be a strong YunJae fan, but that doesn't mean that these new circumstances hurt... I'm struggling to accept that even my beloved YunJae can never be the same for us. T_T
But yes, I think I just needed to let that out. I needed to convince myself that it's okay to still be mourning for TVXQ. It's okay to cry when I see Yunho these days because I miss him so much. So damn much. Our quirky Leader-sshi... It's okay to move on in my life but still mourn the loss when days are quiet. I'm not stupid for loving strangers so much that I've been hit with a long and painful grieving process that almost rivals the death of a friend. I'm just human. I have strong emotions and I give love out very easily. I gave DBSK my love and everything ended so of course my heart is going to hurt still. They weren't just a band with good voices--they were my friends, my stability, my happiness, my hope, my pride. Having that taken away from you is painful. I'll try not to stress myself out now because I feel stupid for still bawling my eyes out over them every few weeks....
Regardless of WHY I am experiencing this (even if it seems stupid to non-DBSK fans), the fact of the matter is that I AM experiencing a heavy grieving period for DBSK and that is no joke. I made the same bond with them as I did with "real life" people, therefore the pain of losing them is just as real to me.
And the thing is, it is only painful because I can't see the five of them together. I am fine with seeing JYJ or HoMin, but it just hurts so effing much that I can't see Changmin supporting Yoochun by vising a drama set, or JaeJoong supporting Yunho by going to the Goong musical... If I saw the five boys interacting with each other in some way I would still have a sense of that "oneness" but since the lawsuit is still tricky we get nothing. I just want to be able to see Yunho with Jae or Su or Chun. I wanna see that friendship again. See the teasing between them that we all know and love. I know the friendship is still there, but knowing something and seeing it are different, ya know? It would feel like old times again if they were able to support each other in public and hang out together. And I would find that adapting to a new life without DBSK wouldn't be so hard. I wouldn't feel as lonely. I wouldn't feel like there was something missing... T_T
All I can do is just.....pray that my guardian angels will take care of me. I need borrowed strength to get through these dark days. I can't do it by myself. Please don't give up on me, guardian angels. Just...please help me get through this. <3